Fees, and Mark Helprin

No matter what the customer service rep on the other end of the line says, fees are always negotiable. I mentally treat a fee merely as a high bid for my custom, and asking them to waive the fee is rejecting that initial bid. The standard line you want to give them is 'this is important for my future business with you', but 'this is my first time using this service' also helps. If the rep can't help or refuses to help, ask nicely to speak to a manager. I saved $50 today this way booking my airline ticket.

Sometimes they are trained to withhold access from managment, and won't initially transfer you; insist on speaking to a manager. If that manager won't help you, and you have the patience, insist on speaking to his manager. Someone somewhere in the chain of command has the authority to help you and the wish to please customers. If literally no one will help you, do business with someone else. And use your story with the next business.

If the manager you spoke to was efficient and helpful, get his or her name. I feel that a brief email to the company expressing your thanks for that person's help is warranted and humane.

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"So tell me where that other quarter point comes in," Mr. Edgar ordered.

"Asset rental and leasing, prepaid charges not accountable as reimbursements, and fees."

"Fees!" thundered Mr. Edgar. "Fees!"

"Yes sir."

"How many points?" he demanded.

"An eighth of a point, sir."

"Asses! he said. "Fees! No one questions them. They take advantage of people's lifetimes of passivity, their years of education and molding. There are two kinds of creature in the jungle--the tiger and the iguana. The tiger sets the fees, and the iguana pays them. I wantmore fees."

"Arbitrarily, sir?"

"What the hell do you think a fee is, Nichols?" he screamed at Nichols. "Do we have transaction fees?"

"On what?"

"On everything."

"No."

"Levy transaction fees. And maintenance fees. And fees for opening an account, closing an account, having less than three accounts, and having more than two accounts. I want to see late charges, early charges, and surcharges on other charges. I want a fee for foreign accounts, a fee for domestic accounts, and a fee for accounts subject to audits. You get the picture? Gradually double or triple these fees over a period of two or three years, and index them to inflation. Institute a contact fee, a telephone charge, a bookkeeping adjustment charge, a flotation fee, a sinking fee, and, you, Nichols, go to the New York Public Library and--I don't care how long it takes--find five fees that no one has ever heard of. Look especially hard into Babylonia, the Sumerians, Byzantium, and the Holy Roman Empire. Those guys knew what they were doing, and they had balls."

"But Mr. Edgar, we'll drive away our customers."

"No we won't. Just be prepared to drop the fees of any customer who appears to be making good on a threat to leave, and increase those on the ones who stay put. It never fails."

"Yes sir."

When Mr. Edgar left the River Club that evening, he was--although not immediately--several hundred million dollars richer. He returned ten percent of that to charity, and for this he was universally acclaimed. As he said, there are two kind of creature in the jungle: the tiger and the iguana. The tiger sets the fees, and the iguana pays them.

Mark Helprin, Memoir From Antproof Case